Recently, after a leadership presentation, four senior managers approached me individually. They were from four different companies and all were very successful. All four were thanking me for helping them see that they had lost themselves and their uniqueness along the way. In a group of less than one hundred people to have four people take the time to seek me out and discuss their leadership, lives and loss of self I thought, “Houston, we have a problem.”

This was further confirmed as I read a new book called “Power and Influence: The Rules Have Changed” by Robert L. Dilenschnieder. In his book he describes the importance of connecting with others, being clear about your value and being unique. Pick it up and read it if you want to be a powerful leader.

You were originally hired because you brought something to the company that would add value. It may have been your experiences, knowledge, creativity, insights or a host of others attributes. You were unique enough to be chosen among other candidates and you had the qualities that communicated that you would be a good fit.

However, over time, have you assimilated or conformed to the point of alosing your uniqueness?

I looked up the definitions of assimilation, conform, and adapt.

as∙sim∙i∙la∙tion (ə-sim'ə-lā'shən)
The process whereby a minority group gradually adopts the customs and attitudes of the prevailing culture.

con∙form (kən-fôrm')
To correspond in form or character; be similar.
To act or be in accord or agreement; comply.
To act in accordance with current customs or modes.

a∙dapt (ə-dăpt')
To make suitable to or fit for a specific use or situation.

The definitions look similar, however the outcomes are very different.

Assimilation

When a group assimilates it loses some of its’ unique traits, often a value that is needed in the workplace. In regard to diversity, this means that we all begin to look, speak and act like cream soup rather than gumbo (rich in flavor, content and color). A Southerner who assimilates and loses their accent and traditions of etiquette – this attribute is important to business and can be shared with others. A New Yorker who loses her spirited attitude, this attitude is important for a team to learn from their coworker to never give up. A Latino who loses their sense of family fun, in a company that is looking for ways to engage their employees they lose a valuable resource to learn how to engage groups positively. An Indian who loses or hides the cultural significance of elders, businesses are seeking to reach retirees. It would benefit the company to learn some of the customs and insights offered by someone whose culture reveres elders and see how they can replicate those values in their office.

Or, are a woman who assimilated to act like the men in your office? Perhaps you thought when you were promoted that you had to act a certain way or you wouldn’t be taken seriously. You changed completely and now you are totally different than whom you were.

Conform

Over time you may have been told to conform to the culture, or you perceived that you wouldn’t get ahead without conforming to perceived rules. Perhaps you felt that you just didn’t fit in, but you couldn’t afford to leave, so you chose instead to conform. For most, conforming means giving up a part of you to be a part of them. Often this is done to appease someone, or fill some need. If the outside pressure wasn’t there would you feel the need to conform?

This sense of doing it for ‘them’ creates a ripe environment for stress, passive aggressive behavior, anger and victim mentality. This can lead to conflicts in the workplace, low productivity, low morale and low engagement.

Many leaders leave their employment abruptly, engage in inappropriate activities or are miserable to work for. People leave managers who conformed so far from their values and their sense of self. This communicates to others a disconnect leaving them with a feelings of mistrust, unease and no security. Where do you stand?

Adapt

Here there is a sense of choice. You, the leader, get to choose what you want to change, when you want to change and for what purpose. There is a sense of power, because you do have a choice.

My mother once described me as water, pour me into any vase and I will take that shape. I never change who I am (I am always the water), I do change how I interact, how I dress and how I communicate to be suitable to fit a specific purpose or situation (the vase).

Truth for Leaders

This is critical for leaders; to be effective leaders must live their truth. They must live their values, style and their truth. Assimilating too much dilutes the nuances that make a leader unique, conforming too much breeds mistrust and lack of authenticity. Adaptation is the preferred method, adapting to the situation, the people around you and the culture.

If you are older and leading a younger group adapt to their needs. Laugh more, engage more, try their ideas. Be young again. Let go of the “look” the older wiser fatherly or grandmotherly look.

If you are younger leading an older group, ask for their favorite music and listen (you’ll learn a lot about where they are coming from), ask for historical information about processes or procedures, so you can understand why they occurred before you consider changing them.

If you are a minority but leading a team of Caucasian people go eat with them, engage them and connect that part of you that is similar and the same. Find mutual connections regarding art, sports, theatre or hobbies. Relate, adapt and grow the relationship.

If you are a Caucasian leading a diverse team, encourage lunch and dinner meetings at unique restaurants. Expand the experience of the whole team by introducing everyone to new experiences. By encouraging unifying experiences the team becomes committed to each other. The US Army has trained all of their members to be ‘one’ by having growth experiences together. They have a unifying mission that is clear, known and communicated at all levels and they value the individual skills of each soldier by promoting to potential, giving responsibility and training for achievement.

Ultimately, people want to be led by unique individuals who value their own uniqueness and those of each member of the team. If everyone thinks the same way, looks the same way, acts the same way there is no growth, no way to increase services, profits, or increase markets.

If you keep hiding your uniqueness by assimilating or conforming too much you lose the unique qualities that make you - you. Adapt, grow, enrich, and empower, lead well!

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